What's happened? Well there's this girl I met in Alberta during the holidays. She's 19. But mind you my birthday is the 30th and then I'll be 18. She lives alone here in Vancouver and goes to some make-up school. She's really nice and very, erm, different? She's pretty, interesting, but really quiet. The quiet part only happens sometimes. We've hung out twice so far and since I'm constantly harassing her over the phone I believe I'm getting to know her somewhat. She wears GAP, but only buys it when its on sale. She wears what she likes I guess. I really enjoy the fact that she likes bands like System of a Down and yet doesn't dress all alternative. I'm pretty sure she either hates me and feel's sorry for me or she thinks I'm pretty cool. The reasons to support my first statement are that a) She never phones me, b) I talk way too much because she usually doesn't, and finally c) She hasn't actually touched me. The reasons to support my second statement are that a) She has opened up to me somewhat, b) She always answers when I phone, and c) She let me hang out at her place this weekend.

She will almost definately not go out with me. The only reason I think she might is because we share some of the same opinions on relationships and also that we both agree that we want to get to know the next person we date before we actually date them. I dunno, I guess yeah, I'd really like to not just be one of those guy friends who's actually just taking whatever contact he can get with a special someone. I mean this thing or relationship could go two ways, she could be my first real friend that's a girl or she could be my first REAL girlfriend. Did I mention she has a great body/smile/eyes/everything? Aw shit, what the hell am I talking about, whatever happens happens. In the mean time I'll just do some neutral flirting. Neutral flirting is stuff like hugging, tickling, wrestling, food fighting, nudging, mocking etc. Another thing I like about her is that her head is together, most girls my age and under are out of their fucking minds. I mean I'm not saying that I'm not. The guys are just as screwed up but in the way that they constantly want to get laid. I'm not like that, well at least not much. I've been getting the feeling lately like my virginity is in danger...

Kyle is really starting to peak my interest. He says enough, but not too much. It's interesting. That way it's like he can keep some kind of distance or something. He's cool tho, I bet if I got to talk to him more he'd open up.

I hope to get a Graphic Pad for my birthday. It's a pad with a pen and basically you use it as a computer mouse. You see I'm kind of getting into digital art. The only prob is that they cost >$100 probably. I'll probably end up getting some cds tho. If I get a cell phone I'm selling it.

My room has been clean for appox 20 days! (Yes, this is a big accomplishment for me.)

Why is it that nobody I've talked to has heard someone else talk shit about me? I mean I kind of consider myself a creepy weirdo asshole sometimes. But maybe all guys are like that at times. Depression has stricken me once again. I guess I can't help it. I can only deal with it and try to make it fade away. Tomorrow is the start of a new school term, I'm scared as hell because of it. I am almost positive I'm going to fail physics. It isn't that I can't learn it, its that no one is teaching it right. I'm afraid that since I sucked last year in physics 11 and because of myself slacking off in it I am now paying the price. I'm so scared of graduation but the stress of my course load makes me want to have school over already. I turn 18 January 30th. What have I become? A man? I don't know, I guess so. I'll just try to be the best man that I can be. I think it's time to grow up for me. I am horny. I am lonely. I need someone to talk to. Can psychologists also be prostitutes? I hope so.

One of the reasons I dump people is because of two reasons, it gets too serious and they don't understand me. Most of all its because I wish someone could understand me. I wish there was a logic to me that someone else saw, then they could tell me. But I now realize no one can understand me but me. I'm too lazy to do that and I don't think it really matters anymore. So now that I've got that out of the way I guess there's only the fear of things getting serious. Well, I guess the next relationship I have I will have sex. It won't be great or magical. It would just be nice to feel the life pulsing through someone else as we lay still. Not only feeling that pulse but being allowed to feel it and be more than friends. There's something soothing about feeling and experiencing so live when you feel so dead. I know that's not healthy but not many things are.

I've opened a checking account and I've got an ATM card. I'm scared as hell. I'm growing up now. Or so I seem to think. I've really cleaned my room and it makes me feel less depressed. It was like living in here was giving me cramps. 

One thing I'd really like to do when I grow up is making sculptures. I'd like to have a cabin. I'd like to teach something and have fun doing so. I'd like to be a writer, but write only what I want to write. I'd like to be a father but not be married. I'd like to love someone and feel them naked on or beside me as I sleep and cuddle. I crave these things and I don't know why. Are they preprogrammed or are they just the result of 18 years worth of media and a misspent youth? Time will tell. Fuck time. I wish I had all the answers like it does.

I've got some books that I suggest you read all though you probably won't.

Papillon by Henri Charriere

Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez