September 14+15, 2002

"What the fuck is offroading?"

I went to a staff cranium game. I felt totally and completely out of place. You know, it's funny. It's probably not 1/2 the people that I work with that hate me. I think I hate 1/2 the people that I work with. I think I weird a lot of the people out. I think I offend them. They're so suburban most of them. I think I'm going to get fired. I keep saying that. Tomorrow I'm actually going to read my training manual and post-a-note the subjects with which I'm having trouble with. I hate fat people. I hate fat people who are politically correct. I hate the majority of my customers. I hate everything. This job has made me bitter and depressed. Everyone at work talks about everyone else. It's sick. I knew people were going to say stuff about me after I left so I stuck around the side of the house to hear what they said. It wasn't very nice. Oh well, fuck em. I won't take it personally... well at least that's what I'm telling myself. Everything has been so negative while working at starbucks. I think I'm depressed. Maybe I just need some coffee. I hate the world it's such a pain in the ass to have to not just work for a living but put up with uppity, preppy, obnoxious, and self rightous co-workers. Oh well. The benefits are great. One day, I will be the most proficient (spelled wrong) barista in the company. I hate images. I wish I didn't have an image. I hate those alternative people who are so alternative. I hate those punk rockers who shop at le chateau. I hate every prefrebricated bullshit fad that society spits out every year just like my caffiene diareah that I get when I'm working. So tired and angry and hurt. Fuck vulnerability and those who refuse to admit that they have it.

September 13, 2002

"You need to take initiative."

Well. This has been one hell of a week. My work performance has improved. But not enough quite yet. I think 1/2 of the people at work hate me. In other news 3/5 girls are definately out of the picture for the time being. Stamata I will always care for but fate is tempting me in other directions. So after walking a friend to parker st. so that I could walk home, I see this white suspicious looking car. So I stop and it stops. This continues for a while then a guy pulls up longside to me and asks me if I'm lost. I asked where boundary rd. is knowing perfectly well that it lied about 10 blocks ahead. That took about 5 minutes. I then stopped by my friend jen's house. She was not up. So I continue walking home and then an oncoming white honda civic pulls up and honks at me. A woman is inside. No, two women are inside. They do not set me afire nor do they tell me to fuck off. It's the hot librarian girl driving her friend home! WHAT ARE THE FUCKING CHANCES! SHE DROPS ME OFF AT HOME! This is definately a sign. I'm going to have to put more effort into getting to know this beautiful, smart, and curious young woman. But lets not deviate from what's truly important in the mean time. I have to study my starbucks training manual as if I were a horny mormon teen trying to get a wife for the prom. Wish me luck on both.

September 12, 2002

"Get off my lawn or I'll break your fuckn' legs."

When I'm an old man it's going to be great. I think I've figured out something to do with all of my extra time. I'm going to try and get someone to get a restraining order against me. I'll start with harassing coffee shops downtown. Then I'll goto lectures in universities and pretend that I'm a student. I'm really enjoying my job. It's great. I get to meet so many new people. Some of the customers are asshole though. I smile, acknowledge their exitence. I smile. I think about stabbing them. I make little limericks. How can I help you, You smell like poo, Overly specific and needy, Materialistic and greedy, How about something new? Yeah, I've got so much to say... but I can't remember any of it... work is dumbing me up. I really take personal what the staff tell me. I guess I shouldn't. The more I see people the more I realize how much dating creates emotional baggage... well at least with women. Maybe I have emotional baggage and I just can't see it. Today I opened the store and I supposedly worked faster... if I can improve a little bit everyday I don't think I will get fired. I think I will get fired... whatever. Nevermind.

September 08, 2002

"User is currently removing his stillborn fetus with a rusty coathanger"

I have options on girlfriends. Surprise. One girl I met at a party and lost her number because I had a shower. The other girl is the librarian girl. I have mentioned her before. Now it seems she MIGHT have a somewhat serious interest in getting to know me. Then the third girl is my ex girlfriend. I don't know if she is seriously reinterested. I kinda am but I won't be for sure unless she is. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Then there's a girl I knew in grade eight. I've been toying with the idea of a relationship with her for over three years now but I'm afraid she might not be my type. I'm supposed to plan something for saturday. I also have a crush on a couple of girls that are actually friends. I don't think they take me very seriously though. I know I wouldn't. I act like a total ass around my guy friends and that's the only side those two girls see. They're all really nice. I don't know what to do exactly. I'll figure it out I'm sure. So I've got a crazy idea. I could easy scan both sides of an old $5 bill and print out the exact size. Then, I would put them in those old type change machines they have at the arcades! then I'd take all the quarters and goto Safeway or somewhere else and get all the quarters changed back into legit $5's! But it's just an idea. Sex is like cheesebread. It doesn't taste as good unless the cheese is melted. Things that are annoying: your parents eating crunchy chips at 1am 5 feet away from where you are sleeping, getting hit on by your worst enemies, getting asked out by your friends, and watching an old homeless man pee/poop on an old ladies car when she's at a stop light. No wait, the last one is just funny.

September 05, 2002

"Razor Blade Enema"

The cold weather is back and my depression might be as well. Coffee is great. It's the best. It's better than prozac. Better than sex. Well, at least for me. Nothing beats foreplay tho... nothing. My friends are all going to school. I feel like a winner because I'm taking the time to figure out what I want to do with the $10000 I've invested properly over the past 6 years. I'm a loser because I'm the only one not jumping head first into college. GROW UP! LET GO! It's not high school anymore so stop treating life like it is. So sick of the gossip, the shit and the piss. I'm pretty good at sex. I've got no one to love tho. I hate it. Stupid consuming hormones and sex drive. Shoot me. Unlike most people I know, I've realized my life is flashing before my eyes. One meandering day at a time. I've decided for the time being to try to squeeze the most out of life as possible. I've been reading, hiking, and learning how to play guitar. I'm trying to not be as bitter as I usually am. I'm trying to love more. I'm trying to put up less with assholes at work. And the rest is a mystery. I don't know what exactly I'm doing, but I'm trying to look like I'm good at it. L8er.