Why? Geography map due, physics homework math homework which I'm two days behind in due to the Halloween dance and the parties I went to tonight. Oh, and for the record, Laura Pummel is beautiful. 

Cease to exist giving my goodbyes, drive my car into the ocean, you think I'm dead but I sail away, on a wave of mutilation, wave of mutilation, wave.

I'm a bad bad man. Internal conflicts taking over. Two years younger. Confusion sets in. I think too much, but that isn't a bad thing. Guys that want girls to fuck them make it seem that way. But I'm not a girl and I'm not looking for a fuck. I am Daryl's bleeding heart. 

So I dress up as Satan for Halloween at the dance and also during school. Everyone thought it was great. But the Joker one at the dance and then Spider-Man at school. Halloween is about being scary, not about being a comic book trend, although I can respect that. So yeah I'm a bit envious, but I did get a free backpack out of it because the shitty mc's at the dance were throwing crap at the rest of us.

I haven't been kissed in a while. Well no I have like on the cheek and I know that's a lot more than most guys get but I mean I miss the lip to lip contact kissing. And she won't give it to me. But it doesn't matter. Well I shouldn't be so down because at least I have kissed a girl, I know people my age who haven't. That's probably a good thing. I miss the passion in loving humans. I just wish I didn't hate our nature so much. I wish I didn't hate. Supposedly males and females alike lose their violent behavior and emotions after a while... like when they're 25. Fuck, that's a long way away.

I love compliments. Even thank you. I'm a compliment junkie. I can't remember the last time someone said something relatively nice to me like, "Daryl, you're incredibly sensitive" or "Daryl, I enjoy your company" or "Daryl, weird is a good thing.". All I keep hearing is, "Daryl, *compliment*, but *put down*.". I mean what the hell. I may just be slightly depressed. I had a beer. Alcohol supposedly makes one mellow. I say mellow is depressed unless you're with 5+ people laying around naked staring up at the sky. 

The more and more I realize that people actually read this shit the more I come to appreciate society in a new perspective. No one usually talks to me about what's on this site. I mean if they can  relate they don't expect me to hold them and nurture them while they cry or while they laugh. Its just a mutual understanding that this site is one big one way discussion that stops after I'm done writing for the day. No one ever takes these thoughts and talks about them, or at least I don't think they do.

The new Slovakian guys are kind of cool although the younger one is cocky and thinks he could kick my ass. Actually, I think he wants to, just to prove himself or something. Everyone likes him, maybe its going to his head. It's happened to me but then I decided to not to try and prove anything. If you have something to prove and you prove yourself, you may and probably will be disproved. Instead of proving myself like some kind of equation that'd have one answer I try to remain as all real numbers, I try not to have a solution, or a zero. 

What if someday I hand this to some book editor and it becomes a classic novel. Kind of like that Anne Frank Diary but minus the whole Nazi regime and being Jewish. I wonder if people would actually buy a book full of this rambling like shit talk. Yeah, I was supposed to do Physics tonight when I got home at 10 but now, an hour later, I remain a slave to my keyboard, typing endlessly and cutting myself off when I go too far. Too far.

I do get rather horny sometimes but most of the time when I grab people's asses or when I hump my friends it out of sheer amusement. I rarely get horny. Unless someone is being sexy, or shy which is also sexy. I love to watch people blush or look away when talking to me just to smile. That is my biggest turn on, yeah, I'm a sick fuck. I try not to talk to women's chests but if I do it's purely to piss them off. Well okay, sometimes I am thinking about the possible area of their nipples in comparison to their whole breast. Nipples are fucked up. They remind me of stems. If humans grew of trees they'd be hanging by their nipples and belly buttons. Well at least I think so.

How come all my friends have problems at home or are traumatized? Or is everyone just that way? Maybe I can handle people without serious problems. Maybe people with issues are just more interesting. Especially ones with major issues. I wonder who gets abused at school? I wonder who has been sexually abused at school? Who wants to kill me? Who wants to tie me up and spank me? Who cuts themselves on the outside just to try to get into the inside? I found that cutting is stupid and pain is stupid because if you're trying to get into yourself that way you're probably empty. Fill yourself up. Go up to someone and kiss them. Leave for Mexico. Sleep in ignoring consequences. Study for a test, REALLY study! But for gods sake feel good about doing any of these! Have bliss! SURPRISE yourself. That's the way I fill myself. But wait, when I am no longer surprised by myself what do I do? Sex? Death? Love? That's all that's left to surprise me. That is, unless someone else does, but that never happens, right?

Far Too Long

I've had enough now,
But is there much more to come,
My life never sleeps.


Piece

My origami,
The events fold into one,
My life is a swan


Den

I cherish my room,
Nothing can touch me in here,
My studio and church.


Antisocial

It is not anti,
Because I will talk to them,
But I don't need to.


Crap

We are all needy,
Consistently give take give,
There is no real love.


The Big Bang

One big horrible,
Then we all become humane,
On the bandwagon.


Lost and found

Find lose find lose found,
It becomes futile at times,
So why do we love?


No fault

Now we are happy,
Then you find something better,
Don't feel if you don't.


Why

Artificial foods,
In artificial wrappers,
We die of cancer.


Now

The teens are drinking!
The teens are getting pregnant! 
The hum of my life.

I had a grad group photo. I had to wear a suit. It sucked. Except for when five of us went to Wendy's after. We looked like business men. I was eating with my mouth open farting belching and yelling pornographic obscenities. A few people went out of their way to leave the restaurant. Now that's my idea of a good time. 

So yeah there's that girl. She knows who she is. I have considered going out with her. But not right now. Or maybe ever. She needs a different kind of guy. I need to have a girl rub against me in a non intrusive way or for her to lean on me. I can't just ask a girl out without her being cold fish in the flirting department. I don't know. Flirting is a definite turn on. I mean yeah, so is the personality, the wittiness, and her looks but a little physical body language would be nice. 

I think I'm going to go to college, get a start in some sort of trade that I can use throughout the world, and then do some major traveling. I realized today that yes we all may die. I have not lived long and I have not loved enough. If I die that's the historical process of shit happening. I figure in the meantime I'll not take life one minute at a time but one breath at a time. A breath can be so much. It has feeling. Arousal, hate, nervousness, hysteria. I'll take life one breath at a time. I will focus on the next but not the one after that. I miss the kissing breath. Girls have a steamy horny breath when you kiss them passionately.

I just wish I could find some people all on birth control with an open mind and just fuck them all. I have all this passion to expel and nowhere to focus it. Art is ok for that but I need to be animal. I need to be human. But I am not horny. That's different. That's sex without feelings. That's empty sex. That's pornography. I don't want that. Below is a messed up picture of me in a suit. I am Daryl's blue collar worker.

Advice to those who might want some. Don't read your crush's horoscope. If love is involved it might not be talking about you.

Ok, here's a new one: is the phrase "Anything's possible" just a euphonic form of maybe. Maybes always means no. So what the hell are people saying when they say, "Anything's possible". I don't know. But that is definitely a mind fuck. A useless and unnecessary mind fuck. But when you haven't even asked a question you really don't have to worry about it right? Well, kinda. 

Programming is getting harder, so is math. I'm supposed to get a tutor for math. I talked to her and she says she's going to help "organize" my life. Dear god. What am I going to become. If I get a cell phone kill me before the brain tumor does.

I heard through the grapevine, not much longer would you be mine, I heard through the grapevine, and I'm just about to lose my mind. 

I'm going insane one bit at a time. No wait, insane one byte at a time. So we're different colors and we're different breeds and different people have different needs. I can't understand what makes a man hate another man.

Check This Out:

SafeSex - Get paid per fuck! lol

I feel like a giant retard. We were just hanging out but something went weird for some reason and I made a move at the most completely wrong time. I am Daryl's bleeding heart. Weird shit happens when you think to much and don't ask enough questions. Do they want to use you and your resources as a military weapon? Am I expendable? Or maybe its all just because it went wrong. I got one of those stupid liquid based machines and it sputtered once I thought about the destruction brought on by a psychotic dedication. But I assume too much and I am wrong. 

She has taught me that I am not always right. I knew that but know I act like it. I feel stupid when she's smaller. It's going to be a weird adjustment where nothing's promised. I don't think she's materialistic but she contradicts herself on a regular basis. Will I learn to hate her because of it or will I find it comedic and pleasing. We can't help but mention our exes and I hope that that'll fade. 

We all bleed in unison without the existence of time and we all are needy and greedy today makes it horrible but it could be worse than the last time that it happened or more like when I realized that it did become a fact and not just an assumption but don't pause to figure out what's going on because your brain doesn't at all even when you ask it not to but then she's naked in the bathroom doorway biting her bottom lip and you're going to throw up because of the dead squished butterflies that lay at the bottom of your stomach which is a bottomless abyss that consumes what ever is thrown at it much like the pop culture teens that support the music industry's highest grossing bands. They are society's stomach. Everything else is shit at the end. You did not have to read this but you're a better person for it. Knowing is half the battle and it's getting late. Goodnight without any excuses. 

Check This Out:

Funny Nun - If you're atheist you'll love this

"Your mother's a whore" - Joke on snl

If you can turn fear into hate than you can turn hate into confidence. Well, at least that's what I did. I get this weird feeling in my stomach when I know someone can hate someone else so much for no reason. It makes me feel sick. So I turn it into a directionless hate and then into a false sense of confidence. It works for me. 

I can give good advice. That's what I learned today. Just knowing that makes me feel astronomically and exponentially better about myself as a human being and misanthropist. 

I feel so sure of myself. I've known mind fuckers and I still know the mind fuckers. I'm afraid that one of my infatuations might be one as well. But if any of the three read this don't jump too soon to the conclusion that you are in fact a mind fucker. It's 12:30AM. I don't know why I'm writing. It's just coming out I guess. 

Movies that you should see: Hearts In Atlantis. Almost made me cry like a little bitch. I wish I were a superhero. Those guys must have an awesome amount of self confidence even if some of them aren't as good looking as Jean Grey or the invisible woman. Hmn. Invisible hand jobs...

I have yet to give my ex her cd's back, if she reads this it is her turn to call me.

I'm scared as hell about after high school. I'm not going to a university. Just a college. I'll take some tech courses and hopefully get a job somewhere over seas or down south. But I still have no EXACT idea of what it is I want to do. 

Why do I try to be a contradiction to my sex's stereotype? I don't know but it makes me feel unique and therefore important. We go to sleep. gnite.

"You, Aquarian friend, have been in the midst of transformation for some time now. Your beloved may still be guessing what you will do next! Your friend might feel threatened by the changes in you, fearing that you'll be separated, but you know that this isn't true. Your aim now is for higher love. In the changes coming, you need for your friend to understand your true nature. Love changes everything!"

It changes everything. But is it some sick joke? Is she too good for me? Yeah, of course but they say that it doesn't really matter because if she is too good for me than she'll reject me. So what the hell do I do and how do I do it? She's so quiet and timid. I just need to be able to look her in the eye. She is really pretty, she's nice with a hint of horny sub-creatureness. Oh, and she has a nice ass. Actually, she has the best ass I've ever seen and I said that because I'm an ass. It's like she has some plan for after high school that she's gonna follow and since she's a perfectionist she'll probably go through with it. Everything is pretty much okay about her except that we goto the same school.

From The Smashing Pumpkins "Thirty Three" 

speak to me in a language i can hear 
humour me before i have to go
deep in thought i forgive everyone
as the cluttered streets greet me once again
i know i can't be late, supper's waiting on the table
tomorrow's just an excuse away
so I pull my collar up and face the cold, on my own
the earth laughs beneath my heavy feet
at the blasphemy in my old jangly walk
steeple guide me to my heart and home
the sun is out and up and down again
i know i'll make it, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
and for a moment i lose myself
wrapped up in the pleasures of the world
i've journeyed here and there and back again
but in the same old haunts i still find my friends
mysteries not ready to reveal
sympathies i'm ready to return
i'll make the effort, love can last forever
graceful swans of never topple to the earth
tomorrow's just an excuse
and you can make it last, forever you
you can make it last, forever you
 

Grade 8, failed math. Grade 9, did better. Grade 10, passed. Grade 11, kicked ass. Grade 12 I can only predict will be bad. I don't know what causes this cycle but it's pissing me off. It's just a lack of motivation. I'm constantly asking myself  nowadays, "What the hell am I saying?". I must be getting less intelligent. It couldn't have been just a few joints and a case of Vex that fucked my brain up could it? 

It's light as hell, I'm feeling ill, and all the while I sleep. My mind's asleep. I keep compromising. "Just five more minutes. Just until 6, then I'll do my homework. Alright, after dinner then." Right now I should be studying Geography and Physics 12. I felt it was important to talk to something. Everyone says that if you're depressed or just feeling weird you should talk to someone. But why the hell would I do that? If it's humans that are pissing me off then why would I talk to one about it. 

The internet makes us cocky. God knows I am. I am only now starting to accept that I am somewhat naive. Sometimes I just wish someone would say something really deep to me or criticize me. Enough of the ones I know are too busy criticizing themselves or their other friends. Maybe people do it behind my back. No, wait, people do do it behind my back and I wish I knew what they were saying. I don't know how people see me. I don't think it'd change me or the way I am if I did know how they see me. In a way I don't care, but I'd like to I guess. Oh kiss the world, oh kiss the sky, oh kiss my ass.