So I was supposed to go camping tomorrow but my mother is a fucking bitch ass whore slut pot smoking unreasonable and illogical woman. The idea was to go down to the states for a couple days but she says no. "The highways are dangerous" "You're only 17". But she's the one who smokes all the pot in the house, she's more irresponsable than I am. This is just her grasping what little control she has over me. Control freak. 

Do women date their fathers and do men marry their mothers? Are girls brought up with out a male figure in the household turn out to be sluts? Is my penis big enough? Does my hair look incredibly stupid? Is that fucking dog peeing on the carpet again? Will she say yes? Do they really love me? How hot am I? Who am I hotter than? Is he or she ok? How do I feel?

I'm tired of school, I'm tired of me, I'm tired of you. When I'm watching a movie that I'm really engaged in I feel like a whole. But as I step out of the theatre I slowly crumble. When the snow comes it'll give me a reason to listen to orchestrated pieces of music so that I can derive the proper satisfaction that I need from it. I've lost my music. I just don't like the sad bastard crap or the heavy crap. I need a new music. 

I can't wait to be making money, living in suburbia, living the good life. What's that you say? Oh, that's all a myth. Then I guess I can't wait until I struggle for 10+ years trying to figure out who I am and what I do. Oh and then I'll have a semi midlife crisis I'm sure. I'll drive some shitbox car or take the bus. I wonder what would happen If I wrote that for my Career and Personal Planning 12 assignment. I am not absolutely sure I'll make it through high school. This does not mean however that all troubles are forgotten and put behind me, no, after high school comes a transition phase from boy to man. Shit, I thought I got through that when I grew pubes. Oh well. 

I'm scared of a lot more than I first thought I was. Maybe I'm just rediscovering my fears. That should be a good thing considering my problem with crying. Maybe I need to scare myself more and more. No, wait, people cry out of happiness right? No, that won't happen unless I fall in love and that's definitely not going to happen any time soon. You see, I have a problem. I've got love, no problem. The direction of it either disgusts me or makes me think of it as illogical. Maybe I'm just scared of confronting my problem with total codependence. Maybe it might be that I can't imagine talking to someone about my passions, my hopes, my worries, or just me. I think I go into relationships hoping that the person who I am confiding in will understand my every action. Maybe that's why I'm always disappointed. I don't think I would date if I didn't fantasize just a little. If I didn't fantasize I would realize that the person never would understand me and therefore I would not see the purpose in being compassionate with that person. I like putting passion in my art. It's so much more fun and beneficial. But I will always have a need for human touch, the skin. The soft. The rough. That is why I pretend. I guess I use people that way. I guess that's where the real guilt comes from after a relationship. It's the subconscious realization that you two were using each other and didn't even know it. I always truncate my relationships. Maybe I just don't want to have sex. Sex. Yes that's right, the element that supposedly drives a man. Nope, don't want it. I think it's gross. Sweat, in out, in out, moan, done. But not really done. It's like only watching half of a movie or being disappointed by a report card you thought to be perfect. I think sex is something people do to make themselves feel better. Like bullying. And domination sex is just that. It's sick. I can't really put my finger on the real reason however. It may remain a mystery to me for sometime. I think that I may only be able to have sex with someone who understands me. Or worse than that. Someone who can predict my actions. I'm scared that I may never share what I have to share with just one person. My friends get bits and pieces but the whole Daryl is never really let out. Why am I crying? 

Wow, hot, 2 years older, what more could a guy ask for? Flirted with me when she was in grade 12. Then she found out I'm in grade 10. So nothing happens. Then, I see her at my local library. We talk a little. Then I don't need books for a year. After the not needing books period I come back to find she still works there. This was yesterday. This time though I think she was flirting. I'm not sure though, she was bugging me over the new library's PA system. Then I go to check out some books and she's at the other till. So I don't get to talk to her. But then she turns around and tells me to wait so since she's 2 years older than me I wait. Well, the stupid library line doesn't get any shorter so she leaves the till walks over and hugs me and says next time I come we should talk. So there I was all stunned like when I get kissed by girls who are hot and have boyfriends. Well, worse. I was paralyzed, probably twitching too. lol. So I nervously said goodbye. I think I'll be going to the library more often. 

Earlier this week I rediscovered Daft Punk. Good working music. The same with The Cure. I know, I know, it's an 80's band but some of their stuff is really good. Particularly the song "Boys Don't Cry". I feel like crap. That reminds me. Me and my friend went to this party of one of his friends who live in West End Vancouver. I got drunk and high, made out with some girl who insisted on biting my lip so hard that I wouldn't forget her in the morning. Kristi. There, I didn't forget. The only problem with this situation was that we slept over and we had to go home the next day. So por la mañana, we wake up and get on our bus. The seats start bleeding. Our conversations are subtitled. We were still stoned. We find out that there was Crystal Meth in the pot we had smoked the latter night. The trip lasted two days. Homework is extremely difficult when the characters on the page are moving.

I used to reward my good gameplaying and MSN and ICQ time with homework. That doesn't make sense but that's the way it was. Now I got it the right way around, I think. My grades are bad this year but I predicted so last year. I need a job. I am considering book stores/music/video game stores. 

Hrm, lets attempt a grad write up shall we?

"To get across a stream you need to step on some stones. Those stones hold no significance but you need them regardless. For me, high school is a steppng stone that i need for a somewhat successful job. Nothing more. I will probably not see any of you ever again. If I did not say hi you never did either or I was just shy to reply. Thanks to all those people that participated in my bad experiences. I have learned from them greatly. This can only get better right? Ha."

Meh, that's not bad. I'll try again some other time. 

I have love for more than just one person, I cannot help loving them. I just do. There's nothing else I can really do about it. I do not have a problem giving my love to them one at a time. They're not all hot or intelligent. They can be humane or faithful or just slutty. I love several combinations of people. That is not a crime. People are just people. Yeah they can be annoying, hateful, happy, sad, aggressive, optimistic but that doesn't mean I'm better than them, I hope they know that it doesn't make them any better than me. We all participate in living in this world and following the guidelines that will end up destroying ourselves and out planet. We all participate in the same crime. That crime is denial. Why can't we all just be human? Purely animal? Coexist like the mammals we are without technology or medicine or language. Well I know why, this is just easier, more comfortable than that but it doesn't mean that living the way we do is the right way. We're animals I tell you! ANIMALS!

Check This Out:

The Daryl Quiz - How well do you know me? Do you want to? 

Fatties - Denial presents fatty celebs!

Well I haven't posted for a while. I've been feeling really weird and unusual lately. Physics isn't hard. Unless you don't understand it. Neither is Math. Unless you don't understand it. I've been using this cable internet too much. Actually, I spend upwards of three hours a day playing games and reading useless crap that will never benefit me. I haven't been trying in school even though we were all supposed to. Maybe I've become hopeless due to my not so great marks in all of my subjects. I mean really now, I must have a C+ average. Actually, alot of my friends aren't doing that great. I mean most of them just keep skipping and not doing their homework. If you don't skip and you do your homework you will pass. That's all I've learned from high school, I can't remember anything else. If someone was to ask me who Louis Reil was I'd say it was some French native guy who pissed off John A Macdonald. I don't remember any minor details. I have a math tutor. She pisses me off because she is so damn aggressive. I might need another tutor for physics. Math isn't as bad as physics. its all one dimensional pretty much. Most of the values in math don't have relationships really. I don't know. 

I saw that movie The Crow again last night. That's some good shit. Same with Natural Born Killers and Fight Club. I know, not very unique right? Well I just enjoy the love/violence that remains on the surface of these stories. Interpretive movies are cool too although you can't make out with someone while watching them and then understand what's going on after 15 mins of making out. But I don't have to worry about that now do I? I'm single. It's ok. No one calling on the phone. I think my phone is dead. I guess that's a good thing too. 

On another note, I love warez. For those of you who don't know what warez is its basically like an MP3 except for software/games/operating systems. It lets those of us who don't have hundreds of dollars to spend on buggy operating systems and programs try them out. With me, if I like a CD, music or data, I'll go out and buy it. Most of the time though, neither the data or music I get is worth paying $16-800 dollars for. I mean shit, I can get a used car for $800! Or a limo, or a hotel.

That's enough of that. I wonder how many dicks she's sucked? At one time? I wonder if its all just a game or if its a way to fill that void we all have. Yeah, its always the void. We masturbate our lives away. I shall be free. 

 She's kinda learned from the experience too. No, not that I'm a gullable chump but that not telling a guy that you're not interested can hurt him less than if you let him believe otherwise. Or at least I think she learned that... whatever. I have too many tests and too many other things to do this week so I've provided some other interesting things for you to look at below. Have a nice day.

Check This Out:

Hyakugojyuuichi - This makes me happy and I don't know why

Bin Laden - Funny Bin Laden flick

Grad Photos - My grad photos courtesy of my webcam and Artona

"If I die tomorrow I'd like to sleep with you", and "You can reteach me foreplay", and "Anything's Possible" thing really had me going for a while but then you blow me out of the water with the old "I hope we can be friends". Anything's possible? I was right the first time you said that to me, it's just a flowery "maybe". The scariest part about this thing was that I was so caught up in "trying to figure her out" that I didn't realize that she was toying with me. She claims, she's innocent. They always do. Mind fuckers don't always do it intentionally. Sometimes they're just people who don't know what the fuck they're doing and then won't admit that it's their problem. 

So she wants to be friends? What the hell! I mean really now, I hear all this weird shit about how I'm flattering you and how you sleep naked and what color your thong is and you just turn around and its just friends? Of course I'm going to be pissed. I've thought about you too much now. I've felt just about everything for you now. You're emotionally exhausting. All my friends can see it too. 

 Click picture to enlarge...

I don't know if I want you as a friend because then you might be just another Jen. No offence Jen. You'll have all these guys that are you friend because they know its the only other  way they can get close to you. Most guys, if they accept the line, "Lets just be friends" just see it as a second best thing to going out with that girl. Yeah, they'll be sensitive, funny, and nice guys but deep down inside they'll be fantasizing about going out with you or worse, they might even think about you while they jerk off. No, I'm sorry, I can't be that type of friend. You are insensitive, inconsiderate, irrational, unreasonable and intolerable. I'll put up with your presence, talk to you once in a while, but I refuse to voluntarily spend time with you. I'll let you have the satisfaction of knowing that you got to me if it already relevant. I let you in my head because I trusted you and I was blind, then I spend more time thinking about what your thinking rather than sex. That is the worse thing that can happen to a guy. This was not all my fault. This was not all your fault. The time I've wasted with you I will never be able to get back. If you've read this much you enjoy being judged so don't cry or bitch at me cause this is on my site. You probably will. This is my journal, my shoulder to cry on, my cave, this is mine, so fuck anyone that wants to take that away from me.